Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just gift wrapped bread.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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