i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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