Grow some girl-balls and come out already
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
