What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
