I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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