God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
