y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
