I'm so fucking centered right now
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
