I like to think it a success when the cops are called
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
