i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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