broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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