It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
false alarm. still invincible.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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