I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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