Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize