i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
