Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
