my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
