i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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