I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
