Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
