I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Sober January is a disaster.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
