even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
did i just pee glitter
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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