I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
