So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
