I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
