What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
