Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
