I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
