I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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