He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Sext me about skeletons
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
