Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
