rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
