Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
