I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Drake has all the answers
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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