If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
