I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
