I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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