She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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