i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
