The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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