She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
