Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
