my shit smells like andre
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
