Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm both gender and math confused
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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