And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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