We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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