You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
