and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
