I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
