I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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