You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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