Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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