Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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