I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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