I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
