So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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